I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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