I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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