This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
