Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
