How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
