Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
