Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
