my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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