HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
