i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
