Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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