She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
