I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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