i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
