the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
