i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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