Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
