if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
