he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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