nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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