Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I have already put on my inside pants.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
