I think my fart just growled at me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
