So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
