We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
