My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
