I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
