Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
