Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
