Will you blow on my dice?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
