you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
