Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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