I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
