ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
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Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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