I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
