Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
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like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
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It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize