none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
