i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
