he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
