It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
