Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My dick has a subreddit
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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