got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Operation Purity has been aborted
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
