his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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