I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
