Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
