I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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