Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
