You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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