New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
