I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
