he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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