For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
