Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
