Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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