i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
