Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
