Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
