He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
