I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
