did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
