I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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