Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
